


Not Yet

by TheHeadphoneGirl



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Background Case, Canon-Typical Violence, Co-workers, Comfort, Drinking, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fighting, Fluff, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Age Gap, Not quite enemies to friends to lovers, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Tension, Workplace Relationship, don't date your co-workers guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:28:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29030190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHeadphoneGirl/pseuds/TheHeadphoneGirl
Summary: You looked at the sun that was setting behind the mountains and the land glowed with a golden hew. It was beautiful.“Have you been before?”You glanced back at Hotch, his expression unreadable. You shook your head.“I’ve always wanted to come here, just a shame it had to be like this.” You offered him a tight lipped smile.“We might have some time after the case. The times when you’re cleared to fly are few and far between here.”You chuckled, “Worse places to get stuck I guess.” You watched as the sun slipped behind the hills. You felt his eyes on you and you shifted. After you didn’t feel it lift for a moment you smirked.“Eyes on the road?”You immediately felt his gaze leave you.“Of course.” Then almost to himself, “What else would I be looking at.”
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Reader
Comments: 41
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

You never drank because of a cause. You made a point of it. 

Don’t get confused, you’d drank after a case before. A couple drinks with the team before heading home to your much needed bed, but the case, particularly a bad case, was never a reason. You knew how slippery a slope that could become. 

After you’d been at the BAU a year, everyone knew this. Despite Morgan goading you on, or Rossi offering you wine twice your age, you always knew when to stop. You and Spencer bonded over this as he rarely drank, if ever. So, the two of you could sit back and watch the madness unfold around you. Being the youngest on the team helped; references that went over the older agent’s heads’ made the two of you howl with laughter. 

He was the first to notice when you hadn’t left when you usually would, though of course he didn’t say anything. He seemed to understand. 

The team had been in Orlando for almost 3 weeks trying to catch a serial killer who had been hunting at theme parks. His victims were never older than 13. When you had burst through the door, you knew immediately you were too late to save his latest victim. 

It was going to stick with you for a while. 

So, unfortunately, that was your reasoning for being drunk in a hotel bar, alone. 

You didn’t start out that way; the team all came for an hour or so, but they started trickling out to get ready for the early flight the next morning. Morgan was the last to leave.

You had a lot of time for Derek Morgan. He was easy company and made you feel taken care of when you needed it. Everyone made jokes about Hotch being the dad of the group, but you secretly thought Morgan fitted the role better. You suspected that was why it took him so long to go to bed.  
“Derek I’m good, okay? You’re falling asleep at the table, just go.” you said with a chuckle for what felt like the hundredth time.  
“Nope I’m perfectly happy right here mama, you just finish that drink then we can both go back to our rooms.” he said, slurring slightly with his head in his hands.  
“You’re going to start snoring in a minute. Come on, I’ll be fine.”

Derek looked at you and you could tell you were wearing him down.

“I’ll be tucked up in bed in 20 minutes I promise, you just head up now! Savannah will be waiting for you to call her anyway”.

He paused. “You’re sure? Cause I can wait 20 minutes if you w-“

“Derek Morgan, I swear to God I’m fine”.

“Okay! Okay, but if you’re hungover tomorrow I’m not taking the heat from boss man, this is on you!” He laughed while standing up from the bar stool.

“I’m finishing this drink!” You raised your half full glass to prove your point, “Then going to bed.”

That exchange took place around 5 drinks ago. You didn’t want to let on to anyone just how badly this case had hit you. Being one of the youngest team members- well, you knew you had earned their respect, but still. You didn’t want to make them feel you had to be wrapped in cotton wool.

You stared at your glass as the condensation swirled down it’s side. You were hypnotised by it. So hypnotised, in fact, you didn’t notice the bar stool next to you being taken. You continued not to notice for a full 5 minutes, until he spoke.

“I think it’s time you went back to your room.”

You sighed, refusing to look at the man.

“You’re probably right Hotch, but then who would keep Kyle company?” You gestured vaguely at the bartender who’d been supplying you with easy conversation since Morgan left.

“I’m sure there’s a solution that doesn’t involve you getting on a 6am flight with a hangover.” He sounded concerned; his voice soft. Like he was trying very hard to not come off like your boss. Figures.

You had an interesting relationship with Hotch.

And by interesting, you meant rocky.

It’s not that you venomously hated each other, but you had never really clicked the way he seemed to with other agents. If you come into the break room he leaves, if you take the elevator he takes the stairs. That sort of thing. JJ says Hotch always takes a while to warm up to new agents, but it had been a year. You had thought you would’ve gotten somewhere with him by now.

It wouldn’t bother you so much if he wasn’t your boss. You’re not naïve, you know that you can’t get along with everyone, but you wanted to advance within your field, and that’s very difficult to do when your unit chief doesn’t seem to like you very much.

You took a large swig of your drink, before turning to look at the man. You weren’t greeted with the harsh glare you’d become accustomed to, but instead with a kinder stare. Sympathetic.

It made you angry, not that you could pinpoint why.

“Don’t give me that look, I’m fine.”

He raised his eyebrows at you.

“Don’t give me that one either,” you mumbled into your glass. He chuckled lightly, finding this all quite amusing. Then, silence for a moment.

“...Do you want to talk about it?”

You shook your head, “There’s nothing to talk about. Maybe I just felt like getting drunk.”

He paused, “...Alone?”

You looked over at him, “You’re here.”

“Y/N-” For some reason the look he was giving you made you almost detest him. Despite the kindness in his eyes, you could see something else. Something quite like humour. Like this was amusing.

“Hotch, I’m fine.” You attempted to look at him sternly, but even you could hear your words slurring. The concerned but amused look didn’t let up. You sighed, “I’ll go to bed if you stop looking at me like that.” He shot you a quiet smile.

“Deal.”

Bastard.

You threw back your drink before hopping off of the bar stool. Suddenly, how much you’d drank that night hit you like a bus and you stumbled. Immediately you felt a pressure on your elbow and shoulder. You looked to see Hotch apparently holding you up.

“Okay?” he asked, still concerned.

You nodded, “I’m okay,” you let out a huff of laughter, embarrassed, “damn heels.”

He chuckled, “Of course. Nothing to do with the bottle of vodka you charged as expenses.”

You let out a groan, throwing your head back onto your boss’s shoulder as you walked, “God, Morgan said you wouldn’t get told about that.”

“Morgan has been doing this for years, don’t worry. It’s not new.”

As you reached the elevator, you realised he hadn’t moved his hands away from you. It crossed your mind how odd it was that you were okay with this, before you remembered how much you had had to drink. At this rate, you’d probably be this comfortable around anyone.

The ride in the elevator was quiet. You leaned against the wall and watched the man in front of you. His hair didn’t look like it usually did. It was like his hand had been raked through it a good few times. His tie was also gone and the first couple buttons of his shirt were undone; you were surprised at how normal he looked. No longer like the authoritative seasoned agent you had come to know, but a more domestic version. You could almost see this ‘fuzzy marshmallow’ Garcia claimed he was. He looked ordinary.

It sounds silly, but it shook you a little. You weren’t used to it; it was like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs. He wasn’t supposed to look normal and kind, this was Hotch. Hotch who you’d seen put his forehead against the barrel of a gun. Hotch who had gotten fully grown men to cry within the first 10 minutes of an interrogation. Who’s screamed and glared and scowled in the face of evil.

You almost convinced yourself this wasn’t the same man. This man looked like the kind of date who tipped extra when the service was awful ‘cause it was busy’. Who cried at weddings. The kind who records all of his son’s soccer games and watched them every chance he got. The thought made you smile.

He gave you a quizzical look, while the corner of his mouth twitched up.

You quickly realised you were staring, and averted your gaze to the ceiling for the rest of the ride.

The two of you walked, in silence, to your room door.

“Thanks, Hotch. I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow.” You tried for a smile but you know it didn’t look genuine. He frowned.  
“This isn’t like you.”

You weren’t sure what to say to that; a few options floated through your head. That you were fine and you’d just need a lot of coffee in the morning. That you just needed to sleep. A spark of anger also ignited in your gut; how did he know what you were like? He hadn’t taken the chance to get to know you. You were about to say that you were fine and then turn and go to sleep. You were about to. You’re not sure why you didn’t.

“How d’you do it?” You leaned against your door, exhaustion now clear in your voice.

“Do what?”

“This job, when...when you have a family? How can you shut it off and just,” you waved vaguely at him, “carry on?”

He didn’t answer, so you kept speaking. You weren’t sure why. You blamed this alternate Hotch with the kind eyes and messy hair.

“They tell you it gets easier,” you let your head fall back so that you’re looking just above the taller man’s head, “I’m starting to think it’s a lie. The more of this stuff I see, the more I’m convinced we’re outnumbered. That the bad outweighs the good. Fighting a losing battle.”

You’d deny that you were crying if anyone were to ask.

“I love my job, I swear I do. I just…”

Everything went silent for a few moments. Then, you heard some rustling. You looked to see Hotch pulling a packet of tissues out of his suit pocket. Then, taking a step toward you, he began to dab the tears off of your cheeks.

“If they told you it gets easier, you’re right. They did lie to you.”

You shot him a confused look, he continued.

“The job doesn’t get easier, you just learn to deal with it better. You’ll learn.”

You nodded.

You don’t know how long the two of you stood like that. He looked a lot more vulnerable like this. You supposed that could be down to the alcohol or the tears in your eyes, but you started to like this version of Hotch; he wasn’t nearly as intimidating. He looked almost human.

“You could take some time, if you needed it.” His voice was softer than you’d ever heard it.

“We’d get by without you.”

A pang shot through your chest. You’d figure out why that hurt so much another day.

You grabbed his hand away from your face. “I’m fine Hotch you don’t have to baby me.”

He raised an eyebrow at you.

“I’ll be okay after a good night's sleep.” With your walls reinforced, you stood up properly, away from the door. “But tell Rossi if he finishes the coffee on the plane again, he won’t make it to wife number 4”.

He laughed, putting the tissues back into his blazer pocket. “I’ll make sure he gets the message.” He paused, seeming to consider his words, “We can talk about this properly tomorrow if you’d like?”

You rolled your eyes, a small smile playing on your lips “Yeah yeah, you’re a great considerate boss. Don’t worry, I’ll be on the plane.” You turned to unlock the door to your room, but the pressure on your elbow from earlier returned. You shot him a slightly confused look; he rubbed your arm with his thumb for a moment.

“Y/N I respect you as an agent, as a member of this team. As a person.” His arm dropped. “If you need to talk to someone, I’m here. You need to know that.”

He looked so, soft, like this. His eyes were deep, frightening almost, usually. But not now.

Taken aback, you nodded a little, “Thanks Hotch. I appreciate it.” You shot him a smile. A genuine one, this time. “I might take you up on that sometime.”  
He returned the smile. “I’m glad. I’ll see you tomorrow Y/N.”

“See you tomorrow Hotch.”

As you shut the door to your room, you couldn’t help but think your name sounded nice when he said it.


	2. Chapter 2

You woke up to the shrill, deafening sound of your alarm going off.

You got ready in almost complete silence for the sake of your headache as the impending sense of dread set in. You needed Hotch to like you; he probably thinks you’re an emotionally imbalanced lush after that. You cringed. 

It would be fine. You would be fine. You gave yourself a shake and got dressed.

You made a half assed promise to never drink again, collected your stuff and made your way down to the hotel lobby. You were grateful to see Morgan, JJ and Reid; you didn’t think you were ready to face your boss. 

Their faces all broke out into smiles as they saw you, with Morgan pulling you into a one armed hug.   
“There she is,” He said giving you a squeeze, “and how’re you feeling today?”

You shot him a glare as the group chuckled, “This is why I don’t drink with you guys.”

JJ shook her head, “I’m just saying, you’re the only one I can remember buying rounds.”

You groaned “So I’m broke too? Great.”

You shook off Morgan as Spencer handed you a cup of coffee, “Kid have I ever mentioned how much you mean to me?”

“Frequently.” He replied with a small smile.

“Well thank you, I hope you chucked some aspirin in there.”

He shot you a sympathetic glance before his eyes went to just behind you.

“We ready?”

You turned to see Hotch, Rossi and Emily walking towards you with their bags in hand. You nodded, only slightly avoiding Hotch’s gaze as everyone agreed, picking up their stuff. 

You walked out to the SUVs, resigning yourself to your coffee and your headphones. You usually loved getting to talk to the team on the way home from a case, but for obvious reasons your colleagues seemed to know better than to bother you at the moment. With Morgan driving and Reid in the passenger seat, you ended up in one of the backseats alone with the rest of the team in the other car.

You remained this way for a lot of the plane ride as well. You were able to get to the couch before Spencer sprawled out on it and quickly made yourself comfortable. You put on a calming playlist and curled up with a blanket. Sleep seemed to be alluding you however, and your mind quickly started to wander. With your inebriated state that night, and your hangover this morning you didn’t really take the time to think about it.

Even if you hadn’t always gotten along with Hotch, you liked to think you knew what he was about. Classic alpha-male with a borderline hero complex, but with a strong moral compass. Not a bad guy by any means, just a bit. Intense. You felt yourself grimace as you remembered crying. Real professional moment for you. 

But, he did dry your tears, and he was kind to you. Even told you he respected you. You can’t have been that bad. 

Why you cared that much about what he thought about you, you had no idea. Chalk it up to ambition, or pride you supposed. 

And, well, maybe a bit of jealousy. You knew this team was a family and, although everyone else seemed to welcome you with open arms, you couldn’t seem to get Hotch to warm up to you. He wasn’t really cold to you either though. 

Lukewarm. That’s how it felt. It was infuriating.

You let out a deep sigh. You really needed to sleep. 

You sat up and rubbed your eyes before taking in your surroundings. Morgan seemed to be napping with his headphones in, not too unlike how you probably looked a few moments ago. JJ was listening to Spencer talk excitedly about something. You gave her a smile which she returned. Emily was involved in a hushed conversation with Hotch and Rossi. You shot her a look which translated to ‘You good?’. 

She gave you a sheepish smile in return. Deciding to ask her about it later, you settled yourself again and drifted off to sleep. 

You were woken up by Morgan pulling out your headphones. 

“Rise and shine princess,” he stage whispered, sitting down next to you, “We’re about to land.”

You let out a groan, turning round to face him “Why didn’t you wait till we had landed?”

“I’m sorry I just thought you might want to put your shoes back on.” He chuckled, “Unless you want me to carry you?”

“Is that an option?” You winked at him as he laughed, shaking his head.

“Just put your shoes on?” He got up and began to walk back to his seat, though you kicked him in the back of the thigh. He gave you a look, at which you only smiled. 

You got yourself together and the plane landed shortly after. 

With the rest of the team in one SUV, Hotch, Rossi and yourself were left in the second. As you were about to climb into the backseat, Rossi stopped you.

“You ride up front, kid. I’ve got a headache coming on.” 

You raised an eyebrow at him, but moved out the way, “Ah of course, cause Hotch is such a chatterbox.”

He smiled slightly, before shaking his head.

You got into the passenger seat as Hotch was buckling his seatbelt. 

He didn’t really acknowledge you, but he rarely did. You pulled out your phone as he began to drive. The journey was silent for around 5 minutes. 

“...Tired?” You would’ve assumed he was talking to Rossi if he hadn’t lowered his voice. 

You glanced over at him, and shrugged, “I’ve had less sleep and then went to work. I’ll be fine.” 

He nodded slightly, diligently watching the road. You didn’t speak again for the remainder of the ride.

You considered thanking him for the previous night, but Rossi’s steady breath made you reconsider. 

You all arrived at Quantico, ready to finish paperwork and head home. As you threw yourself down at your desk, you made eye contact with Emily. Her hushed conversation from earlier ran through your head, and you waved her over. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.” She smiled, leaning against your desk. 

You realised very quickly you had a lot in common with Emily Prentiss. You both enjoyed dry humour and had similar taste in wine. You became fast friends.

“I’m actually glad you called me over.” 

You raised an eyebrow at her, she continued.

“...How’re you doing?”

You gave her a fairly confused look, “Hungover, but fine. Why?”

She seemed to consider your words, “You just seemed pretty wasted last night, wanted to make sure you weren’t…”

She trailed off. You thought for a minute.

“Em you left after around 3 drinks last night. I wasn’t that bad, especially at that point.”

You saw her eyes dart to Hotch’s office, almost subconsciously. “Yeah, but y’know, just cause of how you were this morning?”

You gave her a look.

She nodded, “You’re right none of our business. You say you’re fine, you’re fine.”

“Wait,” She looked at you, eyebrows raised, “‘Our’?”

You could barely notice her eyes widening, “Well, yeah. The team.” Again her eyes darted to Hotch’s office.

You sighed, “What did he say?”

She paused, before conceding, “Just that he was a little concerned about you.”

You didn’t speak wanting her to continue. She did. 

“He said he found you at the bar last night and that you were a little upset,” you huffed, “It was really all coming from a place of concern!” 

“I’m not mad at you Em, don’t worry. He didn’t ‘find me’ at the bar. I was about to go to bed when he came down and I was just a little low after the case. We talked, I felt better. No big deal.”

She nodded, giving you a tentative look, “So you’re okay?”

You nodded, giving her a tight lipped smile, “Yeah. Well, I was.”

“Don’t be too hard on him,” She grimaced, “It was coming from a good place.”

You rolled your eyes, “Sure it was,” You gave her a proper smile, “Thank you for asking, but I’m good.”

She nodded, just as Morgan called her over. 

Your eyes drifted past her to Hotch’s office. 

You were livid. 

Apparently you were wrong to assume that conversation had been in confidence. Now Hotch, Emily and presumably Rossi all knew about your little breakdown. He should’ve known that that wasn’t his place to say to other people. Besides, he had been in the car with you for over half an hour; what had stopped him from just asking you? Why did he have to bring the rest of the team into it? 

You angrily finished what was left of your case report and went to hand in the paper copy to Hotch. You went past Emily’s desk and she shot you a look that read, ‘Don’t start a fight’. You just winked. 

You knocked on his open door at which he quickly glanced up before continuing to write.

“File copy?”

“Yeah, here.” You handed it to him as he nodded and mumbled a thank you. 

“Do you have a minute?”

He looked up at you, before putting his pen down, “Of course.” He gestured to the seats in front of his desk, one of which you took. “What can I do for you?”

“Do you think I’m unapproachable?”

His brows furrowed confused, “I’m sorry?”

You shrugged, crossing your legs, “I’m just trying to figure out why you’d send Emily to check in on me instead of doing it yourself.”

His face relaxed and he glanced down, “I see.”

“So, am I unapproachable? Or is there another reason you couldn’t ask me how I am?”

He glared slightly, before picking up his pen and continuing to write, “I’m sorry if you felt how I went about checking on your mental well being wasn’t direct enough. I’ll be sure to talk to you myself in future.” He sounded bored. You bit the inside of your cheek. 

“Thank you, sir. I know how hard that must be for you.”

He shot you one last glare, but you could see a hint of amusement in his eyes. 

“I meant it.”

You raised an eyebrow at him.

He once again put his pen down. “If you wanted to speak about it, I was here. But I also understand I might not be the first person you’d come to. I thought Emily would be a good medium. I see now I was mistaken.”

You nodded, understanding. “I get it in theory. In practice? Just feels like you’d rather Emily dealt with it.”

He looked at you, with his head tilted slightly, “You’re not something to be dealt with, Y/N.”

You nodded, looking away. You realised you felt a lot more sheepish than you did when you came in. 

You thought for a minute. “Thank you. For last night, and for trying to check up on me today.”

He gave you a smile; it looked very similar to the one you remembered him giving you in the hotel’s hallway outside your room. As quick as it was there it was gone, however and he was back to writing. “Of course, Y/L/N. I’d do the same for any member of this team.”

You simply smiled, before standing up. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Hotch.”

He let out a ‘hmm’ sound as you left. 

Feeling slightly better, you returned to the bullpen. You reached your desk as everyone was getting their coats and bags together. 

“Hey!” Spencer jogged up to your desk.

“Hey doc, you finished?” 

He nodded, swinging his scarf around his neck, “We were all gonna grab some chinese food, are you coming?”

You thought for a second, “Yeah I could go some chinese food.”

He beamed at you and soon you, Reid, Morgan, JJ, Emily and Garcia were all piling into the lift. Rossi was needing a night in and though you all always offered, Hotch rarely showed up to these dinners. 

Part of you was glad he didn’t come to this one; anymore of Hotch being domestic and normal may have sent you over the edge. What edge, you weren’t sure, but you didn’t want to find out. 

While you and Spencer were talking about a new treatment his mom was starting, Morgan came up behind you and swung an arm around your shoulder; something he often did to you.

“So,” He started, clearly having teasing in mind, “how many more drinks did you have before you went to bed? And don’t bother lying, you know I can tell.” 

You screwed your eyes shut as he laughed.

“Only, like, 3?” 

He tutted and shook his head at you.

“I’m sorry, I know, I’m a liability.”

“Mhmm. Anything else you’re not telling me? No tall dark handsome guy escorting you to bed?” he wiggled his eyebrows. You laughed. 

“Well I wouldn’t put it like that…” 

“Ohhhh so you’ve been holding out on me?” He said faking shock. 

“No! Nothing like that, Hotch got me at the bar and told me to go to bed” You said between laughs. 

“What was Hotch doing at the bar at that time?” 

You hadn’t thought about that. 

“…I can honestly say I have no idea. That’s weird.” 

Morgan shrugged, “Well at least I know you were taken care of. C’mon I’m starving.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Lovelies!
> 
> Sorry this took a while! Turns out I had more to edit than I thought! Next chapter should be up by Valentines Day! 
> 
> Be safe and hope you enjoyed this chapter :)


	3. Chapter 3

Dinner turned out to be pretty uneventful; everyone seemed to have recovered relatively well from the day before and the conversation stayed light. 

“I don’t know what you mean.” Derek said shaking his head as you all laughed.

“I mean” Garcia said, dragging out the last letter, “That Savannah must be a miracle worker because in the almost 10 years I’ve known you, you’ve never dated a girl for longer than 3 months! You’re, like, allergic to commitment.”

You nodded, “She has you there Derek.”

He smirked, “Listen, I was just making sure everyone got a shot that’s all.”

You recoiled and laughed at the same time. 

“Well you certainly made sure of that.” JJ said with a knowing look and a raised eyebrow. 

He held up his hands as everyone continued to laugh, “Okay I am not the only one with a reputation, anyone else remember a ‘Sin to Win’ weekend?”

The group all turned to Emily who had turned a very pretty shade of pink, “I told you. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.” 

“I don’t know this story!” You exclaimed, looking at her expectantly.

“Nobody does! And nobody will. Besides Y/N, those in glass houses.” She smirked. 

You rolled your eyes, “That’s different, I was in college.”

“What did you do in college?” Spencer asked, looking genuinely confused.

“I would happily tell you all of my wild child stories Doc, but that would require alcohol. Which I am considering never consuming again.”

The table laughed, before JJ spoke, “I mean, I wouldn’t mind a drink.”

The rest of the table agreed, before turning to look at you with what you could only describe as puppy dog eyes. You smiled.

“Fine, but I’m not drinking.” They cheered and you all started to get up from the table. 

The nearest bar was quiet, with just a couple of full tables here and there. You quickly claimed a booth near the back and Garcia brought over the first round. 

The conversation carried on, flowing easily, until around the 3rd drink Spencer spoke up.

“Wait, Y/N, didn’t you have some stories for us?” You groaned as the rest of the table jeered.

“I don’t even have anything exciting to talk about! I don’t know-”

JJ interrupted, “So that thing between you and your professor was, what, a rumour?”

She smirked, you glared, and the rest of the table practically hollered. 

“It’s not what it sounds like!” You said, over the whistles.

“I am never listening to you about what’s appropriate in a workplace again.” Morgan got out between laughs. 

“It was well after college and we were connected through friends. We went on, like, 3 dates.” 

Emily tutted, “I don’t buy it.”

You raised an eyebrow, “I’m not selling anything.”

“Wait so, like,” Garcia said as the table went quiet, “Nothing happened?”

You blushed, “Let’s change the subject.”

Eventually, they let you off the hook and the conversation moved on. You didn’t often bring up any stories from your love life, as nine times out of ten they ended disastrously, but you didn’t mind sharing with the team. After all, you were a family. If you couldn’t tell them your horror stories, who could you tell?

The guys left a little after 10 and only the girls were left. You all had a 9am start the following day, however, so you decided around 11 to pay off your tab. It wasn’t long until you smelt whisky and stale sweat from behind you.

“Let me get that for you.” The man said. He was older than you, by around 10 years or so. There were stains around the cuff of his shirt and a wedding ring clearly visible in his breast pocket. 

“I’m fine, thank you.” You were polite, but tried to be firm.

“Aww, a pretty girl like you shouldn’t have to buy her own drinks.” He put his hand on your hip, “Let me.”

You gave him a curt smile, before moving away from his hand. “I said no thank you, and don’t touch me.”

He looked taken aback, “What? A guy can’t be a gentleman anymore?”

You rolled your eyes facing back toward the bar, attempting to ignore him.

“I’m talking to you, lady.” He said before grabbing your hand to turn you around. 

“Agent.” 

“What?” He slurred, confused.

You didn’t bother looking at him as you took your badge out with the hand he had attempted to grab. “Now, leave me alone, and go back to your friends.”

You gave your card to the bartender, who had finally gotten to you, and left, leaving the man standing speechless in your wake. You felt your skin crawl a little and your heart wept for the women who didn’t have a gun and badge to get them out of these situations. 

When you sat down, you quickly told your colleagues what had happened. Then proceed to stop them from kicking that guys ass.

“God that’s disgusting, are you okay?” JJ gave you a sympathetic look. 

You nodded. 

Emily huffed, “Entitled piece of shit. Why do some guys think they can get away with stuff like that?”

“Cause, unfortunately, so many of them do. Get away with it, I mean.” Garcia ranted, clearly livid at the situation. “Where did all the real gentlemen go?”

JJ smiled slightly, “We work with them?”

You all chuckled, “Oh yeah, without a doubt.” You agreed.

“Workplace relationship regulations are pissing me off more and more as the days go on.” Emily said before gulping down what was left of her drink.

You started to smile, “Got your eye on someone there, Em?”

She rolled her eyes, “Please…”

“That’s not an answer,” You narrowed your eyes, “Oh my god, you do don’t you? Who is it?”

She started to stammer and JJ and Garcia laughed. 

“It’s not serious. I mean it’s not like we haven’t all thought about it.”

You gave her a confused look, she continued.

“You know… Like if you had to pick one-”

She was cut off by the rest of you laughing.

“She’s not entirely wrong.” Garcia said in a high pitched tone, “We all know who I’d pick anyway.”

You nodded, “Okay that’s fair. JJ?” 

She thought for a minute, “I guess, Reid?”

You all let out an ‘awe’ sound, at which she rolled her eyes and continued, “But since I’m very happily married it doesn’t really matter.”

You turned to Emily, “You have to answer now.”

She looked at you, clearly being worn down, “Promise to not to laugh?”

“God it’s not Anderson is it?” The group chuckled.

“No! No, I guess I’d probably pick… Rossi?”

The table was quiet for a second before the 3 of you broke out into maniacal laughter. Emily glared at you all but smiled despite herself. “I’m never telling yous anything. Ever again.”

“Em, sweetie,” you reached out and held her hands across the table, “I don’t know if we can be friends anymore.”

She threw your hands back at you as everyone continued to laugh. Garcia, eventually, spoke. 

“Okay it’s not really bad, just really...Surprising?” 

JJ nodded vigorously, “Oh for sure, I just always thought you had a thing for Hotch.”

You made a face, “Emily could do better than Hotch.”

The girls laughed, while Garcia sputtered out, “I will go to my grave declaring Boss Man a catch, so I politely disagree.”

JJ and Emily gave noncommittal nods of agreement, while you had yet to be convinced. “I mean, he’s not awful, I just can’t really picture him like that.” 

Almost in sync, the three of them raised their eyebrows at you. 

“What?”

Emily started smiling; not a reassuring smile though. More like she had a plan forming.

“So you’re telling me, all that tension, and you’ve never once thought he was kind of a dilf?”

“Okay, I’m not blind, he’s…” You trailed off. What was he? A few adjectives crossed your mind; sexy was applicable but you would never admit to thinking that in present company. Handsome worked, but it sounded a bit too soft. A bit too unprofessional. 

“...Attractive. It’s just, well it’s Hotch, y’know? He doesn’t strike me as the type to tear the clothes off of you.” 

JJ shook her head, “See I think he’d be surprisingly good in bed. Attentive.”

The group, including yourself, nodded.

“Either that or a bit more domineering,” Emily mused, “You know, ‘yes sir’, ‘no sir’ kind of stuff.”

Garcia choked on her drink, “Oh no don’t, he’s a dad.” 

JJ let out a cough that sounded suspiciously like ‘Daddy’ and you all burst out laughing. Needing to change the subject, you spoke through your giggles.

“I guess we will never know.”

JJ and Emily shared a look, “Well you know where we are if you ever find out.” 

You shoved her with your elbow, laughing. 

You weren’t sure where this was coming from; of course he’d asked Emily to check in on you, so you could see why she’d get a laugh from this. JJ and Garcia on the other hand, you didn’t get it. 

“I am far too sober to be talking about sex with Hotch. Home?”

They all nodded and soon you were in an uber alone. You tried not to dwell on your conversation in the bar. It’s not that you thought Hotch was a robot or anything. It was only that in the past year you had been more concerned with not screwing up around him, as opposed to if he was good in bed.

You crossed and uncrossed your legs.

Besides, like Garcia said, he was a dad. A widow, nearly twice your age. Your boss. And, with no offence meant, riddled with baggage. So what if you had a thing for tall, dark and handsome types. That didn’t mean you had to go after every guy who fit that description. You had left relationships with male authority figures in your college days; you had no plan on making a return to them. 

So he was handsome. So you liked when he had his shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows. So that look he gave you outside your hotel room- that soft, caring one- swam through your head every once in a while. That didn’t mean anything. 

You got home and basically fell into bed, exhausted. Dreams full of strong hands and tender gazes greeted you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentines Day!
> 
> So, now that we have some set up we can get to ~the good stuff~
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter and as always any feedback is more than welcome! Be safe and look after yourselves. <3


	4. Chapter 4

It was far more in your nature to be running just a little bit late on Monday mornings, but you arrived early this week. You weren’t under any illusion, you knew you felt you had something to prove after that last case. Not that you had handled anything particularly badly, except from your drink. Still, you knew how easy it was to get a reputation for being “emotional” or “too sensitive” and that wasn’t really the adjectives you were looking for from your superiors. 

You started on an advisory and recommendation to a detective from Santa Monica, but your mind started to wander. More than once you caught yourself staring into Hotch’s office; it was in your line of sight after all. 

Only natural.

You had noticed, the few times that you had come in early, that he liked to read in the morning. The book was always quickly tucked back into a drawer whenever anyone came within 10 feet of his office though, so you never knew what he was reading. 

Not a thriller surely, you pondered. But he doesn’t strike you as a big romance fan, either. You smiled to yourself; it was probably a biography. John Lennon’s maybe. 

Your train of thought was interrupted as you heard Reid talking excitedly about something from a few feet behind you. 

When you looked back round to Hotch’s office, the book had been hidden away again. 

“…just saying that if you put into context the amount of power and money it would take to restore New York from the damage they caused, there’s no reason that the government would support The Avengers! Just think about-”

“No, pretty boy, I won’t.” Morgan deadpanned, taking the desk opposite yours. 

“Good morning boys, what are we arguing today?” You rested your head in your hands, ready to settle this newest debate. 

Spencer went to start speaking, but Morgan cut him off. 

“Y/N, if you care about me at all, you’ll let it go.” 

“You can fill me in after the case Spence.” You gave Reid a sympathetic smile and got up. “Anyone for coffee?” 

Both of the boys held up what must have been a $6 cup of coffee. 

You tutted, shaking your head. “Didn’t even bring me one.”

You walked into the break room to see Hotch already making a fresh pot. 

“Morning Hotch.” You shot him a smile as you went to grab a mug, which he returned. “Case today?”

He nodded, “Alaska, I think. JJ’s setting up now.”

You took the pot from him, “How long till we head up? I may need to grab some warmer stuff.”

“Over an hour,” He smirked, “Still won’t be warm enough, I’ll warn you now.”

You rolled your eyes, getting the milk from the fridge, “I’m sure we’ll survive.”

“How was dinner last night?” He asked, adding a 3rd sugar to his mug.

“Good,” You nodded, “I did get emotionally blackmailed into going to a bar after though.”

“I’m sure that took a lot of convincing.” 

You gave him a look and he started to smile, “Thanks for that. What did you end up doing?” 

You leaned against the countertop, coffee cup in hand, as Hotch told you about the night he got to spend with Jack and the marvel movie they watched. You started to laugh and he raised an eyebrow at you.

“Ask Reid about the Avengers later if you get the chance, Morgan told me he has some fascinating views.”

You continued to talk casually like this for around another 10 minutes. You realised close to the end of the conversation that that was probably the longest talk you’d had with Hotch that wasn’t about work. Maybe this would be your relationship now; sarcasm, breakdowns and terrible coffee. 

You could live with that. 

Eventually you both made your way into the briefing room where the team was waiting. Emily raised an eyebrow at you, looking between hotch and yourself. You just rolled your eyes, taking the seat next to her. When you sat down and faced Garcia, her gaze lingered on you a second longer than usual. 

As soon as the victim’s picture came up on the screen you understood why. 

She looked like you. Same hair colour, same face shape, same body type, same eyes. 

“Aimee Rowell, 29 years old, attacked in her home in Juneau, Alaska 10 days ago. She was bound, her throat was slit and she had been stabbed multiple times in the abdomen. She was found when she didn’t meet her bridesmaids for lunch to discuss wedding plans. Her engagement ring was stolen, as well as other items like expensive jewellery and appliances like the TV and computer. At first the police thought it was a robbery gone wrong.” 

You saw Derek glance at you, but you remained stoic. 

“That was until 5 days ago, when Michelle McMillan, 30, was found in her home with the same M.O, but he just stole her engagement ring and jewellery. No other appliances seemed to be missing. Her children were the ones to find her the next morning. Her husband was on the night shift and didn’t get home until 9am.” 

They both looked eerily similar to you. You sighed, “Type killer.” 

Garcia paused, “The police think so, especially after yesterday, when Dawn Gillespie, 32, was found. Her husband and she had separated, but he was the one to find her the next morning when he came by to try and talk things out. This time the killer didn’t bother with other jewellery, it was just the engagement ring.” 

“He’s escalating,” Rossi offered, “There were only 4 stab wounds on the first victim, there are 11 on Dawn.” 

You all nodded in agreement. “Impotency seems plausible, we all know what stabbing indicates.”

“What were they bound with?” Reid asked.

“All sorts; stockings, belts, socks. Basically anything he could get his hands on.”

“Means of opportunity,” Emily muttered, “Why did it take them this long to call us in?”

Garcia faltered, “The police department didn’t make the connections until Dawn was found. All of the women came from vastly different economic backgrounds despite living in the same town and they were thinking the first one was a botched robbery as opposed to a homicide.”

“Sounds like a smart bunch.” Morgan mumbled.

“The rings are clearly the most important thing to this guy, jilted at the altar maybe?” You suggested.

Reid nodded, “Anywhere between 20 and 30% of engagements are called off each year, the unsub could be trying to seek revenge on a woman he thinks has wronged him.”

“Garcia, I want you to join us for this one,” Hotch said packing away his file; Penelope stood up straighter and nodded. “Wheels up in an hour.” 

You all stood up and began to walk out the door, when Hotch stopped you. 

“Y/L/N, can I speak to you in my office?” 

You knew this couldn’t be good. 

“Sure.” 

You walked with him in silence to his office and he closed the door behind you. You tried to read his body language but the only thing you could determine was he was uncomfortable. You raised an eyebrow at him after a moment of silence.

“I don’t want you coming on this case.”

You gave him an incredulous look, “What? Why?”

He looked as stoic as ever.

“After the last case, I’m not sure this is-”

You scoffed, “I get a bit emotional after one case and suddenly, what, I’m a lamb amongst wolves? Come on Hotch, be reasonable.”

“This is reasonable, you’re still new to the job and these cases ca-”

“Still new?” You butted in again, feeling more irritated by each comment, “Hotch I’ve been here over a year. I’m not exactly fresh out of the academy. Besides we’ve had type killers before, there’s no difference.”

“But there is a difference. These vic-”

You interjected again. “They look like me, I know, funnily enough I noticed that. But that could be useful!” 

His face was still like stone, but there was a fire in his eyes you’d only seen before when he was staring down the barrel of a gun. “You aren’t a ploy to be used to catch a serial killer, you’re a member of this team-”

“Then use me! You’re the boss, just tell me-”

“Agent Y/L/N!” He didn’t quite yell, but it was loud enough that you looked him in the eye properly for the first time since the argument began. You realised how many times you had, in fact, interrupted him and mild guilt set in. 

Silence. 

“…I just don’t feel that this case would be the best case to come back to right now,” his voice was softer; he sounded tired, “I’m not saying you shouldn’t work the case. Just that you should work it here.” 

You paused, thinking over your next words carefully. 

“What about a deal?” 

He raised an eyebrow, “You know I don’t make deals.”

You smirked, “Yeah, but I’m not exactly an unsub.” He gave you a stern look, you continued. “What if I promised to check in everyday and made sure to tell you if I was struggling?”

Hotch ran a hand over his face and leaned back against his desk. 

You stepped forward. “If I thought that I wasn’t in the right mentality for this case, I wouldn’t be pushing this.”

He paused. “…Okay. But if at any point you’re struggling-”

“I’ll show up to your room drunk and in tears, don’t worry. We have a system now!” You smiled.

He didn’t laugh this time. “I’m serious Y/N, you tell me immediately. Do I make myself clear?” 

“Yes, sir.” You turned and walked out the door before he could change his mind. You remembered Emily’s comment from the night before. 

“Either that or a bit more domineering” Emily mused, “you know, ‘yes sir’, ‘no sir’ kind of stuff.” 

Great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya Lovelies!
> 
> So this'll be the case we kind of follow throughout this fic! 
> 
> Also, for reference, I'm sorry I know very little about what Juneau is actually like lol so I'm sorry if the rest of this is greatly inaccurate!
> 
> As always any and all feedback is welcomed and I hope you're all staying safe out there!


	5. Chapter 5

After your talk with Hotch, you felt like there was a fire under your ass to excel on this case. Of course you always tried to be focussed and helpful when you were working, but this time you knew there was slightly more pressure. More eyes on you to see if you could cope. 

You sat at one of the tables with Garcia, Emily and Hotch while the rest of the team crowded round. You were glad to have grabbed a comfortable seat; the flight to Alaska was over 7 hours and another hour's drive to Juneau. You had packed a book, though you weren’t sure when you’d get a chance to read it. There seemed to be a lot to unpack with this unsub. 

“So, victimology.” Began Rossi, “They were all clearly the same physical type. What about lifestyle? Any overlap?”

“I’m still digging but despite how small this town is, I’m not sure these women would have even passed each other on the street.” Garcia gushed, “Aimee was a homemaker who rarely went out except to pick up groceries. If Michelle wasn’t working crazy hours she spent all her time with her kids and Dawn seemed to only frequent upscale restaurants and taxidermists. All shopped at different supermarkets, didn’t seem to buy from the same clothing lines.” She shook her head. She seemed to notice all this slightly disheartened stares you all were giving her, “But if these women even so much as stood in the same line at the pharmacy, I will find out.”

You shot her a small smile as Hotch picked up Michelle’s case file, “So no obvious similarities. Neither Dawn or Aimee had kids, but Michelle had 5.”

Morgan let out a low whistle, “That’s a full house, I thought she was only 30?”

You checked her file, “She was, lots of indications of a religious upbringing though. Probably Catholic.”

“Why specifically Catholic?” JJ asked.

“A lot of traditional catholics don’t believe in birth control. They think you should only be having sex if it’s to have a child, not for any other reasons.”

“What other indications are there that she was Catholic apart from the children?” Hotch asked, not looking up from the file.

“The crime scene photos showed a small holy water font by the front door and she was wearing a necklace with a cross on it when her body was found.” Reid reminded you all. “Did any of the other victim’s have any religious affiliations?”

“I can’t see anything yet but if they even so much as watched ‘The Young Pope’ I will let you know. Also a quick reminder that the signal can be pretty precarious in this neck of the woods, but I have tracker phones waiting for you all at the police station so please remember to grab one before you go out to fight crime.” Garcia said without looking up from her laptop screen. 

“Thank you Garcia,” Hotch nodded, “Rossi and Prentiss I want you to go talk to Michelle’s family. The children might have seen something they didn’t know was important.” 

Emily shifted next to you. 

You bit back a smirk and avoided eye contact. Now was not the time for jokes. 

You could make fun of her later. 

“I want JJ and Morgan to go to the M.E. The rest of us will start setting up the profile and look into getting interviews with the rest of the victim’s families. This is a small town so remember to tread lightly with the locals.” 

You were lucky enough that you hadn’t had to interact with too many hostile police departments. Some condescending cops and egotistical agents were the usual anyway. You were sure you could handle it. 

The rest of the plane ride consisted of case musings until you all went your separate ways. You were looking out the window of the plane when you felt Hotch’s eyes on you. You always knew when it was him looking at you; you couldn’t explain it but it weighed differently. You could feel his gaze heavier than most people’s. You turned just as he looked away. 

You decided to stare back for a second. He looked tired, as he usually did, but he was focussed. Stoic as ever. You smirked a little as you saw colour start to form on his cheeks and turned back to face the window. Seemed like your stares had the same effect on him as his did on you. 

When you got off the plane you wished you had put on another layer as the cold wind ripped through you. You wrapped your arms around your waist as you walked from the plane to the SUVs that weren’t more than 200 yards away. The sun was just starting to set but you were all determined to make a start on the case before you headed to the hotel. Besides, It was Alaska; the sun set at around 5pm most days. 

You felt your teeth start to chatter as you heard a chuckle from behind you. 

“I told you.” Hotch said, carrying his go bag over his shoulder. 

You gave him an exasperated laugh, “Well I wasn’t exactly expecting it to drop this far below freezing.” 

He shook his head, walked past you presumably to catch up with Rossi, and as quick as the smile was there it was gone. You did think it was a shame Hotch didn’t get to smile more. It suited him more than the scowl he had to wear for this job. 

You were pulled from your train of thought as Emily caught up with you and you were back to thinking about the case. While you all had wanted to get started as quickly as possible but you had tracker phones to pick up and, as Hotch had reminded you all, small town departments usually liked to see all they were working with before you got started. You sat in the passenger seat next to Hotch while Garcia and Spencer sat in the back. The other two were engaged in a conversation about Doctor Who when Hotch spoke up in a hushed tone. 

“How’re you feeling?” 

You shot him a small smile, “Hotch we’ve not even gotten to the station yet, I’m fine.”

You saw him swing you a glare before his eyes went back to the road. “You knew there were conditions for you coming on this case. I’m holding up my end of the bargain.”

You sighed, “I’m fine. Eager to get started.”

He nodded once. The two in the back laughed about something and you went back to looking out the window, assuming that that was where your conversation would end. You looked at the sun that was setting behind the mountains and the land glowed with a golden hew. It was beautiful. 

“Have you been before?” 

You glanced back at Hotch, his expression unreadable. You shook your head. 

“I’ve always wanted to come here, just a shame it had to be like this.” You offered him a tight lipped smile. 

“We might have some time after the case. The times when you’re cleared to fly are few and far between here.” 

You chuckled, “Worse places to get stuck I guess.” You watched as the sun slipped behind the hills. You felt his eyes on you and you shifted. After you didn’t feel it lift for a moment you smirked.

“Eyes on the road?”

You immediately felt his gaze lift. 

“Of course.” Then almost to himself, “What else would I be looking at.”

When you arrived at the station, you were surprised at its size. All the other buildings were really quite small, while this building seemed to be about the same size as it would be anywhere in middle America. Your team was stalked with stares and whispers as you walked in. Usually you were greeted immediately by a detective or sheriff but you were simply watched for a few moments. Soon, however, a rugged looking older gentleman approached you all with a sour look on his face. 

“I’m looking for Agent Hotchner.” It came out as more of a statement than a question. 

Hotch stepped forward and outstretched his hand, “Sheriff Atwood, these are Agents Morgan, Rossi-“ 

He took his hand, but cut him off. “I won’t remember all your names, but hopefully you won’t be here long enough that I’ll have to.” The look he gave Hotch could’ve been mistaken for a smile if you knew nothing about human nature. 

Hotch tilted his chin up; this was usually how his alpha-male mode started. He removed his hand from that of the Sheriffs. 

The sheriff spoke up again, “No disrespect to you folks, but I just want to get this bastard in custody as fast as possible. With any luck you won’t be here long.” He gave Hotch a once over.

JJ seemed to try and take over the conversation. “We wish we didn’t have to be here. Do you have a room where we can set up?” 

“Yes, ma’am. Right this way.” 

You all trailed after the sheriff in a single line in order to weave through the desks. The entire floor seemed to go silent as your team crossed the floor. You heard Morgan mutter ‘tough crowd’ and you held back a smile. 

The room that the sheriff had prepared for the team was large with no windows. It had a large round table, a whiteboard and a small cabinet with a coffee machine. It was far more space than most stations gave you, and the coffee machine was greatly appreciated. 

There were a couple of officers in the room setting up the files. One looked like he was just out of high school with greasy looking hair and an unironed uniform. The other was in his mid-30s; not unattractive but there was an air of arrogance that seemed to go with him. You made eye contact with him and he smirked. You held back an eyeroll and pretended not to notice. 

“I hope this is alright for you, if you need anything else just let us know. We want to be helpful.” Sheriff Atwood sounded like he had repeated that phrase in his head until it didn’t sound like a complete lie. It didn’t really work. He then called on his deputies and they made their way out of the room. As the older one passed you, he gave you a wink. You cringed and walked to the coffee machine. 

Morgan seemed to notice the exchange and came to stand next to you. 

“You okay there?” 

You chuckled, “Yeah I just forgot what small town detectives could be like.” You added a lump of sugar to your coffee then continued. “We are literally here to catch a serial killer, I’m not exactly looking for a hook-up right now.” 

Morgan chuckled, “Well it’s your own fault for being so damn gorgeous.” 

You gave him a look and he laughed, “Okay okay, you can stop with the daggers.” 

You both walked back to the round table. Garcia was handing out the tracker phones and JJ was pinning the pictures of the victims on the board. You walked over to Emily who was securing her phone onto her belt. 

“I’m starting to see how the deputies didn’t make the connection between the first two victims,” you deadpanned, grabbing a phone, “That poor kid still had acne.” 

She shook her head before getting a playful glint in her eye, “Yeah, and that other one seemed to like you.”

“Yeah, lucky me.” 

Rossi interrupted then and you bit back a smirk. 

“Ready?” He asked, nodding at the woman in front of you. 

“Yeah, let’s go.” 

Apparently the M.E was only a 5 minute walk from where Michelle’s family was staying, so JJ and Morgan joined them in the SUV. 

It was now only you, Reid, Garcia and Hotch. 

Garcia was setting up her various laptops, while Reid had started on a geographic profile; he said it wouldn’t take as long as usual since the town was so small. Hotch was talking to a family member on the phone, and you assumed that’s where you’d be going next. 

You took a lot of pride in your interviewing skills; it was one of the few things Hotch had given you positive feedback on during your time at the BAU. 

You sat down at the table next to Garcia and began to sort out the victim’s files. You were almost finished when you heard her swear under her breath. 

“What’s wrong, Pen?” 

“Ugh it’s the damn connection in here, d’you think they have a router I could plug into directly? Or a support, or something. It’s taking forever to do anything.” 

“I can go ask, if you’d like?” you said standing up from the table. 

“God bless you, sweetie, you’d be making my life a lot easier.” 

You smiled, “I’ll be back in 2 minutes, okay?” 

She nodded and you walked out the door into the bullpen. 

You figured you would try and find the Sheriff, until it struck you he might not even know what a router was. You then saw the young Deputy talking with a colleague and figured he’d be your best bet. 

“Excuse me, I was wondering if you had a minute?” 

The colour seemed to drain from his face as he stepped towards you. 

“Em y-yeah, sure. What can I, uh, do?” he stuttered out. They really weren’t used to an FBI presence.

“I’m Agent Y/L/N, I’m here with the FBI. Our technical analyst is having a bit of trouble with the connection, do you guys happen to have a router supporter we could use, or a room with better connection?” you asked, trying not to scare the kid. 

“I’m Deputy Deloria.” He didn’t look like he could be older than 20.You knew the name was Native American and you started to see some recognisable characteristics. He was tall, with high cheekbones and deep brown eyes. You also saw acne scarring over his cheeks and chin. He was at least half a foot taller than yourself, yet he seemed terrified of you.

“A Wi-Fi router supporter? Em, I’m, uh, I’m not sure,” He said before laughing nervously, “I could check with one of the other deputies, if uh, if that’s of any use to you?” 

“If you can point me in their direction I don’t mind handling it? I’m sure you’ve got your hands full.” You said smiling. You started to feel a bit bad for this boy. He looked and acted far too young to be seeing these kinds of crimes. 

“Oh! Um it’s, uh, it’s not a problem! I can uh-“The young man was then slapped on the back by the detective who had winked at you earlier. 

“You’ll have to excuse Deloria ma’am, he isn’t used to being approached by pretty women,” he smirked, as the young man seemed to shrink into himself. “Is there anything I can help you with?” 

You gave him a tight lipped smile. “Deputy Deloria was just telling me you had a Wi-Fi router supporter our technical analyst could borrow,” you read his name badge, “Would you be able to point me in its direction Deputy Thomas?” 

“Of course, right this way, miss.” He gestured towards a hallway to your right. 

“Thank you for your help Deputy,” you smiled at Deloria one last time, “I’ll let you get back to work.” 

He smiled. “No problem, Agent. Happy to help.” 

You began walking down the hallway with Deputy Thomas.   
“So, the FBI, that must be difficult to get into.” Your tight lipped smile returned. “I mean, is it not a lot to take on?” 

“I enjoy it. Which room is it in, deputy? I really can’t afford to chat at this stage.”

He chuckled. “Ah yes, of course. It’s just in here miss, it’ll on-“ 

“Agent.” You corrected him. 

“Excuse me?” There was a tone of amusement in his voice. 

“Well I’m sure you’d be slightly offended if I called you by the wrong ranking, right?” you smiled in order to cover up your mild distaste. 

You had always been touchy about people calling you anything but Agent when on the job. You’d worked too hard for this position for it to be diminished. 

He laughed. “Well, you’d be correct. I apologise, Agent, I meant no disrespect.” 

You determined that this guy was harmless. Just the usual small town alpha-male. 

He then pointed you into an interview viewing room, which had a small wireless router supporter plugged into the wall. “That should do the trick, Agent. I hope it’ll be okay for your technical analyst.”

“Thank you deputy, this should do just fine.” 

You talked casually about the case back to the bullpen, where you saw Hotch talking to Deputy Deloria. You yet again felt bad for the kid; Hotch was looking at him like he was the unsub. You turned to Deputy Thomas. 

“Thank you again Deputy, I’ll let you get back to work.”   
“Anytime Agent, let me know if there’s anything else you need a hand with.” He winked again and you gave him an exasperated smile. 

You started walking to the conference room to give the router to Garcia, when you heard Hotch call your name. You turned to see him walking towards you. 

“Everything okay Hotch? You were looking at Deloria like he was the Zodiac or something.” 

His stony expression returned. “I was asking if he had seen you. Reid and I are about to go talk to the last victim’s family so I wanted to tell you start loo-“ 

You faltered in your tracks. He stopped walking to turn and look at you. “Sir, are you sure that, when considering how these women were found, sending two men will be the easiest way to get them to open up? I thought you would want me to help handle this.” 

He paused. “I considered that but the fact you look similar to the victims could work against us.” 

“…or for us, if I remind them of their loved one.” Hotch looked at you. “It’s just a suggestion! Reid and I could go speak to-“ 

“No.” he sighed, “No you’re right. You and I will go speak to Dawn’s husband. Reid can stay with Garcia and finish the geographic profile.” 

You shrugged. “You’re the boss, whatever you say goes.” 

He looked slightly exasperated, “Yes, until you disagree with me.” 

You chuckled, “Not disagree, necessarily, just offer alternate ideas.” 

“Sure,” he conceded, “I’ll meet you at the car in a minute, I need to grab my tracking phone. I’ll give the router to Garcia.” 

“Alright,” you said, passing him the support, “I’ll see you in a minute.” You were walking towards the door when you saw Deputy Deloria. You stopped a few feet in front of him. 

“Hey Deloria!” He saw you and walked over. 

“Hey, how can I help?” He asked, being able to meet your eye this time. 

“I just wanted to make sure you were alright? My boss seemed to be kinda coming down on you earlier.” You said with a small smile. 

“Oh no! No, he’s fine. I’m uh, I’m used to big personalities,” He glanced at Deputy Thomas, “I know they don’t mean any harm.” 

You lowered your voice, “Still doesn’t mean you have to take any shit from them,” You said with a raised eyebrow, “If you don’t deserve it, give it right back.” 

He seemed to consider the idea for a moment. Then started nodding. “Yeah,” he said standing a little straighter and puffing his chest out, “Yeah you’re right Agent. I hope you have a good night.” He seemed surer of himself, somehow. You chuckled. 

“You too, Deputy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! 
> 
> Hope you're all keeping well and that you enjoyed this chapter! We have arrived in Alaska and, again, I'm sorry if this is horribly inaccurate! 
> 
> Stay safe and I'll see you's again with the next chapter in around a week! Any and all feedback is welcome :)


	6. Chapter 6

“So are we just talking to Dawn’s husband today?” You asked on the way to the victim’s house.

“JJ and Morgan are going to talk to Aimee’s family after they finish at the M.E.” Hotch said, this time not taking his eyes off the road. 

“Have we cleared this guy as a suspect yet?” you asked, “I mean, if they were having problems maybe the other two victims’ were just an attempt to project the anger he was feeling towards Dawn on to other people.” 

Hotch nodded, “That would explain the overkill. He claims he was at a bar the night Dawn was killed, would you ask Garcia to look and see if there’s any security footage?” 

“No problem.” You pulled out your phone and texted Garcia the instructions as you were pulling into Dawn’s driveway. 

It was a large 2 story house with a long winding driveway and a large front yard. 

“Very nice,” you commented, “The file said Dawn was a lawyer, what does her husband do?”

Hotch raised his eyebrows. “According to Garcia, nothing. Apparently that was a part of the problem.”

“Things aren’t looking so good for Mr Gillespie.” 

“No they are not,” Hotch added while parking the car, “Come on.” 

You’d both left the car and walked up to the large wooden double doors where a pair of deputies were standing. 

“Agent Hotchner?” One said, shaking his hand, “Come on in, Gillespie is in the living room.”

You walked into the large reception room at the front of the house. All of the crime scene photos had been taken and the house had been swept already. Apparently Mr Gillespie had wanted to move in as soon as possible to feel closer to Dawn.

You couldn’t help but notice that this place was far too nice for a small town lawyer to live in as the only breadwinner. 

“Officer, how long have the Gillespies’ lived in this house?” You asked as Hotch walked a few steps ahead of you. 

He blew air past his lips. “Couldn’t have lived here more than 2 years. Moved here from the Hamptons, I’m pretty sure.” 

You smiled at the officer and followed Hotch into the living room. You had read in Dawn’s file that her parents were lawyers before they died as well; it made sense that she would have inherited some money. 

You couldn’t help but think that if Mr Gillespie did kill his wife, he was doing a good job at hiding it. He looked a mess. His eyes and nose were almost bright red and his hands were shaking. There were sweat droplets running down his forehead and neck. You noticed faded track marks on his arms. You knew you would have to play this carefully, but he looked like an addict going through withdrawal. Specifically heroin. 

Most addicts can barely move without throwing up during withdrawal. You knew they could become aggressive, but only in extreme cases of agitation. He didn’t look anxious or angry. 

He just looked broken.

“Mr Gillespie?” he turned to look at the two of you, “Hi, I’m Agent Y/L/N. My colleague,” you gestured to Hotch, “spoke with you on the phone earlier?” 

Hotch outstretched his hand which Mr Gillespie shook after wiping his hand on his jeans. 

“Please call me David. What can I do to help?” His voice was quiet; polite. 

“Right now we just want to know a bit about Dawn,” You said as you all took a seat on the couch; you and Hotch on one with Gillespie facing you, “How did the two of you meet?” 

He gave a sad smile. “College. She was, uh, she was way out of my league. But she needed help in our criminology class so I offered to tutor her.” You could hear that his voice was verging on cracking. 

“That was kind of you.” Hotch offered. 

He turned so he was looking him dead in the eyes. 

“There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her. She’s…” His tone changed from one of conviction to one of devastation, “She was everything to me.” The lighting was low in the living room, but you could tell he was trying hard to fight back the tears. You needed to change the subject. 

“David, you said you visited a Bar the night of Dawn’s murder, The Willow, right?” He nodded, “What time did you get back to your motel at?” 

He shook his head, “I, Uh, I don’t remember. I was…I was drunk.” 

You didn’t buy it. 

“Hotch, would you get Mr Gillespie a glass of water?” You looked between him and the door as if to say ‘I need a minute alone with him. Trust me’. He understood. 

He paused for a moment. “Of course, I’ll be back in a minute.” 

You turned your attention to the man in front of you. 

“You know I dated a guy in college who started off as my tutor. Really sweet, but he was a bit too fond of the beers for me.” 

What little colour was left in his cheeks seemed to drain. 

“We used to get in these big fights because he’d make up elaborate stories about where he had been when he came home drunk,” you smiled at David in the least threatening way possible, “One time he told me he’d been to church and that’s why he tasted like wine. “It’s the blood of Christ, for God’s sake”.” You imitated. He gave a teary laugh.

You paused to look him in the eye. He was spinning his wedding ring around his finger, clearly becoming nervous. 

“David, we aren’t here to judge you. We just want to find out who did this. If you went somewhere else that night, or spoke to someone else, we need to know. We want to help.” 

Hotch entered the room with a glass of water, handed it to Gillespie who thanked him, then sat down. Gillespie finished the glass in a matter of seconds then placed the glass on the table. 

He looked between us, and sighed putting his head in his hands. 

“I… I wasn’t just at the bar that night.”

He paused, “I had been clean for almost 2 years! But I’d fallen off the wagon about 6 months ago. That’s when Dawn started threatening with divorce. She was tired of waiting for me to clean up my act and get a job… I don’t blame her.” 

“Where were you, Mr Gillespie?” Hotch asked, gently. 

“…After I left the bar, I went to an abandoned hospital that’s about a half a mile away. It’s been out of use for years now, but it’s where… It’s where you go if you need anything.” 

“So, drugs?” you tried to clarify. 

He nodded. “But I mean anything. There's people there…women.” 

You nodded your head. “But you didn’t go there for the women, did you?” 

He began to cry. “I didn’t want to… I didn’t want to let her down, but I’d had so much to drink, I-I wasn’t thinking straight,” His head was back in his hands, “Why did this happen? How can… How can she be...dead…” he sobbed. 

You and Hotch looked at each other. This wasn’t your guy. 

You got out one of your cards and left it on the table. 

“If you need anything, please call us. We will be in touch, Mr Gillespie. We’re so sorry for your loss.” 

He didn’t look up from his hands. 

You and Hotch stayed in silence until you reached the car. 

“…He’s not our guy.” 

Hotch nodded. “Even when he was crying he didn’t take responsibility, he was just-“ 

“Broken.” 

Silence. 

“That poor man.” You mumbled as you put on your seatbelt. 

“Sorry?” 

“I just don’t know how you’d recover from something like that, I don’t think I could.” 

He paused. 

You realised who you were talking to, and about what.

“I’m sorry Hotch, I wasn’t thinking, I was just-“ 

“It’s fine, Y/L/N.” 

Silence. 

You didn’t know much about Haley, just that she was murdered by the Reaper while Jack was in the house. And that Hotch was forced to listen to the gunshot. 

You also knew that the bastard deserved everything he got, one way or another.

“I have Jack. That’s what gets me through. That and this job.”

You nodded.

More silence. 

“You don’t talk about her a lot. Hayley, I mean.” 

He seemed to tense in his seat, “I don’t always have a lot of reason to.” 

You nodded, “The team say she was lovely.” He nodded. “A lot like Jack, too.” 

He smiled. “Well, with any luck he’ll take after her.” 

You furrowed your brow, “What makes you say that?” 

“…I don’t want Jack to have to see the world like I do. She had a lot more hope; she was," He paused, seeming to really consider his words, "warmer.” 

“She sounds like an amazing woman, but” You scoffed very lightly, “I think your hero complex might be warping your perception of yourself there, boss.” 

“You don’t think I’m cynical?” You could hear the surprise in his voice.

“No I do.” You smiled slightly, “But I also know you carry tissues with you in your blazer pocket.”

He matched your smile, “Yes, well, what’s your point?” 

“You can be kind and be a realist, Hotch. You’re proving that.” 

He shot you a look coupled with a soft smile. “Thank you.”

You returned the smile and the two of you drove in silence for a few minutes. For around 30 seconds you actually forgot you were on a case; since that night at the hotel bar you could feel him finally start to warm up to you and vice versa. 

It was nice. 

“Have you heard from Garcia about that security footage?” he asked, shaking you from your thoughts. 

You called Garcia who reaffirmed Gillespie’s story. The security cameras caught him leaving the bar at around 12:30 and walking in the direction of the hospital. The security footage of the motel he was staying at showed him getting back around 3:30. 

“According to JJ and Morgan, she was killed around 5am, and he didn’t leave his room again. So Mr Gillespie is in the clear!” 

You nodded, “Good, we will be there soon Garcia. Thanks!” 

“No problem, sugar! Tell Boss man I say hi!”

“Will do.” you said laughing before hanging up. 

“According to Garcia the time of death rules out Gillespie.” 

“Good, I didn’t see anything in the house to indicate they were religious either.” Hotch replied. 

“Must just be coincidence,” you paused, then chuckled, “Garcia said to say hi, by the way.” 

He smiled, “Of course she did.” He said as he pulled into the police station.

“Where did you find her? She gives me a new story every time I ask.” You said as you got out of the passenger seat. 

He closed his door and walked towards the station. “I’ll tell you the full story one day when we aren’t on a case.” 

You smiled, “We’re always on a case.” You were struggling to keep up with his large strides.

“I suppose I’ll need to make time for you then.” 

You faltered, then smirked slightly. Interesting phrasing. 

You entered the station and saw JJ and Morgan talking with Rossi and Emily and decided you would come back to that later. 

Maybe he was warming to you quicker than you thought. 

It had turned out that you had all made some leeway in the case. You all agreed that there wasn’t a religious aspect, that the killer stalked these women and had most likely had contact with them, and were being targeted because their relationships seemed to be failing while appearing to look perfect. 

Aimee and her fiancé were having problems as she thought he might be being unfaithful. Michelle and her husband were apparently only together for the sake of their children, and of course Dawn was threatening a divorce due to David’s drug problem. This would also explain his fascination with the engagement rings. 

You also made the connection that this guy was a sexual sadist. He stabbed the women in very deliberate places, so they wouldn’t die right away; he waited around 2 to 3 hours before cutting their throats. The M.E also seemed to think they may have been sexually assaulted after they were stabbed, but before their throats were slit. 

Bottom line was, this guy was fucked up. 

Morgan ran his hand over his face and sighed. “This is impossible. Almost everyone here has hunting experience, they would know how to miss vital organs. Our best way to catch him would be to look into the women and who they interacted with. And any guy who has been rejected by Y/L/N.” 

You rolled your eyes, choosing to ignore Morgan’s add on. “Why don’t we just look at cancelled weddings’ in the past, I don’t know, 6 months?”

Rossi shook his head, “We don’t know for certain that that was this guy’s trigger. It could be anything; an ex-wife getting remarried, losing a custody battle with an ex- partner.” 

“But he’s focussed on the engagement rings, why? Trophies, maybe?” JJ mused. 

Hotch interjected. “Garcia, how many pawn shops are in the area? He stole all those appliances, they have to show up somewhere.” 

Garcia’s keyboard clacked as she typed, “Em 3, sir. None of them are open now though.” 

You checked your watch to see it was past midnight. 

Hotch closed his file. “That’s where we’ll start tomorrow. Let’s head back to the hotel.”

Hotch said hotel, it was more like a B&B. JJ said it reminded her of the place they stayed in the last time they went to Alaska, only a bit bigger. 

The receptionist was a cheery looking woman, with naturally red cheeks and auburn hair. She seemed more than happy to have your business, then I suppose in a town this small, any business was good. 

“All your bags have been put in your rooms already. Two of the rooms are linked by a bathroom, but both doors can be locked with the same key, so I hope it isn’t too much of a problem. The reception number is on the inside of the bedside table drawer. If you need anything or have any questions, feel free to call me!” She seemed to have done this a lot as she passed out the keys. It was nice to see a reassuring face during the case; made you feel more normal. 

Your room was cosy. It was a twin room, which you didn’t mind. It was a good size and had a small fireplace, which was greatly appreciated considering how cold it was. You took your time unpacking your stuff and putting it into the drawers and setting up your makeup in front of the small vanity in front of the window. You put the fire on and rested your pyjamas a foot or so in front of it; an attempt to heat them up before bed. 

You picked up your toothbrush and walked into the bathroom, hoping to see a large bath and fluffy towels. 

Instead you saw Hotch. Brushing his teeth. In his pyjamas. Leaning over the sink. You stopped in your tracks.

He stopped brushing. 

Silence. 

“You’re in my bathroom.” 

You meant it to sound more like a question, as opposed to the statement you seemed to have made. But you were in shock. Why was he there? 

You then remembered what the receptionist had said. 

-“Two of the rooms are linked by a bathroom, but both doors can be locked with the same key, so I hope it isn’t too much of a problem.” -

Looks like you lucked out. 

He just stood staring at you in confusion, toothbrush still hanging out his mouth, like a weird, long cigarette. 

You corrected yourself, “…Guess we got the linked rooms.” 

He blinked slowly, making the connection, then removed the toothbrush and stood up straight. 

“Ah.” 

Silence. 

Then, laughter. You don’t know why you started laughing, or why you found it funny. Maybe something about seeing Hotch, your boss, in flannel pyjama pants with foam around his mouth was just such a juxtaposition to his usual suit and tight lipped expression. Soon you were both laughing at the situation you had found yourselves in. 

“I’m sorry,” you managed to get out after you had finished, “It’s just-“ 

“Different?.” He had stopped laughing but still had this lopsided smile on his face that was slightly shrouded by foam. 

“Different.” You agreed.

You made a mental note to, one day, when you’re feeling brave, tell him how nice his smile was.

The two of you stood staring, somewhere between embarrassed and amused. Hotch was the first to look away, in order to grab a towel and quickly wipe his face. 

“I’m sorry, I’ll just...” He said gesturing towards his door. 

“Right!” you exclaimed, getting pulled back into reality, “Thank you, I was just going to take a shower. I won’t be in here longer than half an hour, if you need…” You didn’t really know where this sentence was heading. Luckily, he seemed to read that. 

“How about we chap our respective doors once when we go in, and twice when we’re leaving?”

“Great idea.” 

He still looked slightly dazed. “Great. Well, goodnight.” 

“Goodnight Hotch.” 

He left and you released a breath you didn’t know you’d been holding in. 

You went over to the sink and looked into the mirror that hung above it. 

You were at a bit of a loss with what to make of all this. This time last week, you would’ve happily bitched to anyone outside the bureau about your argumentative, classic alpha-male boss. Conceding that you may have been wrong was hard, but admitting that you had started to become attracted to him was even more difficult. 

You supposed it made sense, looking back at it. The way you could tell if it was him looking at you, craving his validation the way you do. Besides, he’d been nicer to you the past few days; maybe if you’d been a bit more vulnerable sooner he would’ve been more comfortable around you. 

You just couldn’t let it get out of hand. So you found him attractive; apparently so did the rest of your female colleagues. No big deal. It was just Hotch. 

You looked at yourself in the mirror as you took your hair down, remembering his dazed smile and messy hair.

You tried to ignore the stupidly fond smile that had graced your face. 

You grimaced at yourself, almost rolling your eyes. This was a grown man you were thinking about. Your boss. Your boss who you thought hated you less than a week ago. You looked at the little cup that was now holding both your toothbrushes. It was a small thing, but it felt so sickly domestic. Your smile only grew.

You quickly decided it didn’t matter if you had a little bit of a crush on Hotch, not really. It wasn’t like you were planning on doing anything about it. The job didn’t exactly allow for a lot of time for dates; you were probably just lonely. And you were starting to get along; why shouldn’t you try to get along with your boss? It wasn’t like you were pining for him or anything. 

You wrapped yourself up in a towel and knocked his door twice. You let yourself smile.

You were just lonely and he was just handsome. It didn’t mean anything. 

And it didn’t mean anything that you repeated that in the mirror to yourself either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi my lovelies!
> 
> Sorry this chapter took a little longer! I've been busy at work while also applying for some other jobs lol.
> 
> I hope you're enjoying this so far! And that you're all staying safe! As always any feedback is more than welcome and I'll try to have the next chapter up in the next few days to make up for this one taking so long lol <3 
> 
> See you all soon!xxx

**Author's Note:**

> Hi my lovelies! 
> 
> This was a fic I actually had written a year or so ago but had never published! I'll be posting as often as I can, but I've been making a lot of changes to it so please bear with me!
> 
> This will probably be upwards of 60k so I hope you're all in it for the long haul!
> 
> As always, any feedback is greatly appreciated! Will see you all very soon :)


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